Yeeeeeahhhh, sorry

This picture represents how I feel - the internal struggle over this damn book. I didn't realize what I was getting into when I picked it up, or how busy my summer would be between writing class all through July, and not being in the Bronx for various weeks throughout the summer and the latter half of August really (and not wanting to lug around a 2-ton book aimed primarily at swoony teenage girls when I am trying desparately to be a grown up).

But really, I JUST CAN'T ANYMORE.

And you wanna know why? This, on page 292:

Edward: "I was curious about you."
Bella: "You spied on me?" But somehow I couldn't infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.


THE HELL?

Ok, for like a second, I wanted to give Meyers credit for using the word "infuse" when writing dialogue with a vampire, like hahaha how cute, blood, infuse, blah blah blah...but then I realized that probably wasn't so much clever dialogue as a subconscious intrusion of a word-of-the-day from her desk calendar.

FLATTERED? Seriously, Bella? Let me back up this little bit of dialogue here: He had opened the door using a key that she had hidden (and never shown him) because he had watched her use it. I hate to use all caps, but I must express my outrage: STALKING IS NOT CUTE. It is not dreamy, it is not sexy, it is not even quirky. It is generally frowned-upon in society, and even illegal in many places. It is CREEPY. And I'm sorry, whenever I picture Edward, thanks to the movie industry, I picture this guy:

And yeah, maybe for some little girls, being stalked by this guy sounds awesome, but I worry about the future of feminism for this and many other reasons (Jessica Simpson, I'm looking in your direction.)

Oh it gets better. Or worse, really:

Bella: "How often did you come here?"
Edward the uber-creep: "I come here every night."
Bella: "Why?"
Edward VonCreepenstein: "You're interesting when you sleep."

Dear reader, this was the breaking point for me. I simply could not stand either of them anymore. This is horrible, but upon reading those words, I just wanted both of them to die already. And I don't feel good about that.

So I will never finish the book. And I will not read the sequels (that my dear friend, K, has so lovingly loaned to me.) I'm sorry to be such a book-tease to the 7 people that read this blog, as I have not updated all summer (see ridonkulous, but blessed busyness referenced above) but I simply cannot put myself through this madness anymore. I'm sorry.

I will certainly continue to read books that provoke me - I've been reading the Sookie Stackhouse mysteries to complement my True Blood fanaticism (see, I obviously have nothing against vampires, especially when the authors and show creators are careful to portray their dangerous behavior as DANGEROUS and not cutesy) and I love them. I'll be starting grad class next week, so will have tons of reading to do, so maybe this blog will take a different turn. But for now, my tryst with Twilight is over - I hereby abandon it. I tried, peeps, I really tried. But I just couldn't stick it out.

Awesomeness

My good friend A. stumbled across this video in her web meanderings. I'm linking it to the original site. This little gem, by Rebellious Pixels, pits the Creepster against the Buffster, and we all know how that should end.

Buffy vs. Edward

How I like my vampires

Like this:

Or this:

And lately, this:

NOT looking like they had a run-in with a bottle of glitter and a rogue bedazzler. This is a vampire story, not a high school production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Or my 6th grade trapper keeper.

Twilight Review:He's a super-creep! Super-creep! He's super-creepy, yeow

Dear Bella,

The Obvious Police would like to present you with the following evidence that one Mr. Edward Cullen is less dreamy than he is a total creepster. Yes, we know that you are 17 years old and that you have both limited exposure to and romantic-comedy and faerie-tale fueled high expectations of males in general, but it is high time that you got a clue. So here are a few.

He makes like he's gonna vomit when he looks at you. And not in a cute, "Awww, he's just nervous around his crush!" kind of way. In a creepy, loathsome, just-walked-off-the-gravitron-and-not-keeping-down-the-zeppolis kind of way.

Kinda like this:

Only more violent and hostile, as you say on page 23.

"He stared at me again, meeting my eyes with the strangest expression on his face - it was hostile, furious."

See, hostile? And before that you note

"Just as I passed, he suddenly went rigid in his seat."

Oh, well, ahem, that's normal for guys his age. You oughta know that, being such a little bio wiz. Disregard that reason.

According to our records, the situation escalated when Edward first began speaking with you. Because he would say crap like this:

Page 44:

"Oh I think everyone knows your name. The whole town's been waiting for you to arrive."

Page 74:

"I'm being very rude, I know. But it's better this way, really."

And the most ominous of all, Page 73.

"The Krebs cycle."

Other actions include the following: his tendency to laugh at you when other boys pursue you, his smug determination to speak for you when you get sick in lab, his serial-killer-like ability to be both charming and terrifying in the same chapter, and the fact that he owns a volvo.

We hope that in spite of all of the ridiculous back and forth over your slides of onion root mitosis and this fabled trip to Seattle, we hope that you heed this letter, because in no way will this Cullen character cease and desist. Yes, he can crush cars with his bare hands, and who doesn't admire that quality? But we hope you will look for red flags in this young man's behavior, and take proper actions. We hope, rather than believe you will.

Respectfully yours,

Captain Obvious of the Obvious Police, 49th Precinct

Twilight Review: Toothiness

I wonder if the frequent mentioning of Edward's teeth and/or smile is a subtle bit of foreshadowing or character nuance on Meyers' part. (Yeah, right, says the adult audience) Then again, maybe it's just the lovestruck pining of a narcissistic twit like Bella. In either case, it's inconsistent, and not helping me to mentally sketch a visual of Edward. Well, a visual that isn't this guy:

So let's look at some of Bella's conflicting descriptions of the aforementioned broody vamp (look, even though we don't know he's a vampire at this point in the book, I'm not going to pretend I haven't existed in the world for the past couple of years).



Page 44: "I looked up to see him smiling a crooked smile so beautiful that I could only stare at him like an idiot."


Ok, so he's got crooked teeth? A crooked mouth? Not without its charm, we all knew that guy. Let's move forward. To when Edward is starting to display some more signs of either manic depression or extreme jerk-itude (next posting) and is all like "Oh, I can read everyone, but I CAN'T READ YOU!"(page 50)


" "You must be a good reader then," I replied.

"Usually." He smiled widely, flashing a set of perfect, ultrawhite teeth."


So which is it, Bella? He went from believably flawed to creepy colgate-boy in 6 pages. You are not helping me. And his creepy morphing vamp-eyes don't help. For crying out loud, if I didn't know better, I'd think she was falling for some long-lost member of the X-men, with super strength, chameleon skin, and excessive smugness. (I've stopped counting how many times Meyers uses a form of the word 'smug.')

I must confess, though, I am finding this experience hilarious and enjoyable, and admit to being sucked in by the story.

Next post, Edward's increasing creepiness, Bio class hilarity, and missed opportunities for Bella to just punch this guy in the face.

Twilight Review - Chapters 1 and 2

Oh where to begin...

At the insistence of everybody I know (with the caveat by adult recommenders that this book is rather poorly written, but addictive nonetheless) I picked up twilight. Actually, my boyfriend picked it up for me at Midtown Comics. First off, props to Stephenie Meyer for the guts and imagination to complete the whole task, and congrats on the crazy success of the franchise (even if she does have a mysterious "e" in her name instead of an "a"). That said, let the slaying begin.

Ahem, whoops, I didn't even mean to make a Buffy joke there, it just happened, really.

Ok, I'm not doing spoiler tags. Everything on this blog will be Spoiler-ish, so really, why bother?

Oh, Bella. Bella, Bella, Bella. You really want the readers to know you're different, don't you? You're such a troubled little heroine, exiling yourself to Forks, being pale (foreshadowing!) and so BORED with all your assignments because you're in the accelerated track and have already read like, every book in existence. For example, page 15.

"I kept my eyes down on the reading list the teacher had given me. It was fairly basic: Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner. I'd already read everything."

Seriously? Bronte and Shakespeare, ok. I feel like that's standard AP or senior elective literary stuff. But Chaucer and Faulkner? FAULKNER? Yeah, all high school sophomores (or is she a junior?) freaking LOVE to dissect the troubled journey of Joe Christmas. And maybe it's just jealousy that I haven't actually gotten around to reading Faulkner at the ripe old age of 28, but that sentence made me scream. Or maybe my high school education was just so mediocre that I can't possibly understand. (Except my high school produced one Ms. Sonia Sotomayor, so take that!) Also, I love how that last sentence doesn't restrict itself to the possibility that she's read everything on the list, or everything by those four literary pillars. Bella quite possibly has read everything ever written. Let's look at her ill-fated journey to the Forks library on page 38.

"I did drive to the library Saturday, but it was so poorly stocked that I didn't bother to get a card; I would have to make a date to visit Olympia or Seattle soon to find a bookstore."

Oh boohoo. See? She has read everything. Why bother going to Seattle, then? Maybe to go write some crybaby rock.

Ok, that concludes my post on Bella and books, a fitting start I believe to a blog about books. Next post: Bella and her flip-flopping on Edward's teeth.

I'm just sayin'...

Hello. I am creating this blog as an outlet for anyone who responds to the reading experience with any of the following: screaming, book-tossing, laughing out loud, crying out loud, feinging dying-out-loud, or incredulity. This is a site for the active reader, the kind who buys a book at the same time as all of their friends, stays up all night reading, calls their friends in the morning, and then flips out if said friends have not yet finished the book (by my count, I have 4 such friends, probably more.) I initially wanted to title this blog "Books That are Pissing Me Off" but that would be misjudging many of the books I intend to review here. All reviews will contain spoilers and mocking, either derisively of lovingly so. I will try to keep my grammar correct.

I do not intend to be taken seriously as a literary critic, just as a kvetch.

On to the first book. So yeah, Twilight...