New Blog

I'm over here now: The Unsolicited Porkchip Just in case you were wondering. :)

Back!

For like, a second.

Haven't read any books that I really disliked lately, due to the overwhelming demands of grad school on my read-time. But I did read a book that provoked me in a positive way, recommended by my friend, K.




This book is awesome. It's really, really smart. I almost can't describe how smart it is. Every character's name is a pun, including the heroine, a Ms. Thursday Next. (As my mom said, that name is just short of twee, but everyone else in the book has a punny name, some bordering on the rip-roaring hilarious.) It has everything: mystery, fun characters, female bad-assery, and literary allusions. Its setting is a kind of alternate-universe England in what I can only infer is the 1980's where literature exists kind of on its own plane, and there are branches of federal police that deal exclusively with literary law. Again, I'm oversimplifying and not doing justice to the plot. There are a lot of characters, and this book seems to be largely setup, but I'm hooked and want to dive into the story, because this is a really fun group of people and an amazingly creative idea. The works in which Literatec Detective Thursday Next becomes heavily involved are mostly Martin Chuzzlewit and Jane Eyre (hence the title). Having never actually read Jane Eyre - though I knew the story well thanks to my high school obsession with A&E literary adaptations (ah, remember when A&E was high culture and not just a forum for new eps of Dog the Bounty Hunter and Steven Segal: Lawman) - I was still able to really enjoy the book.

Ok I'll end the gushing.

Yeeeeeahhhh, sorry

This picture represents how I feel - the internal struggle over this damn book. I didn't realize what I was getting into when I picked it up, or how busy my summer would be between writing class all through July, and not being in the Bronx for various weeks throughout the summer and the latter half of August really (and not wanting to lug around a 2-ton book aimed primarily at swoony teenage girls when I am trying desparately to be a grown up).

But really, I JUST CAN'T ANYMORE.

And you wanna know why? This, on page 292:

Edward: "I was curious about you."
Bella: "You spied on me?" But somehow I couldn't infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.


THE HELL?

Ok, for like a second, I wanted to give Meyers credit for using the word "infuse" when writing dialogue with a vampire, like hahaha how cute, blood, infuse, blah blah blah...but then I realized that probably wasn't so much clever dialogue as a subconscious intrusion of a word-of-the-day from her desk calendar.

FLATTERED? Seriously, Bella? Let me back up this little bit of dialogue here: He had opened the door using a key that she had hidden (and never shown him) because he had watched her use it. I hate to use all caps, but I must express my outrage: STALKING IS NOT CUTE. It is not dreamy, it is not sexy, it is not even quirky. It is generally frowned-upon in society, and even illegal in many places. It is CREEPY. And I'm sorry, whenever I picture Edward, thanks to the movie industry, I picture this guy:

And yeah, maybe for some little girls, being stalked by this guy sounds awesome, but I worry about the future of feminism for this and many other reasons (Jessica Simpson, I'm looking in your direction.)

Oh it gets better. Or worse, really:

Bella: "How often did you come here?"
Edward the uber-creep: "I come here every night."
Bella: "Why?"
Edward VonCreepenstein: "You're interesting when you sleep."

Dear reader, this was the breaking point for me. I simply could not stand either of them anymore. This is horrible, but upon reading those words, I just wanted both of them to die already. And I don't feel good about that.

So I will never finish the book. And I will not read the sequels (that my dear friend, K, has so lovingly loaned to me.) I'm sorry to be such a book-tease to the 7 people that read this blog, as I have not updated all summer (see ridonkulous, but blessed busyness referenced above) but I simply cannot put myself through this madness anymore. I'm sorry.

I will certainly continue to read books that provoke me - I've been reading the Sookie Stackhouse mysteries to complement my True Blood fanaticism (see, I obviously have nothing against vampires, especially when the authors and show creators are careful to portray their dangerous behavior as DANGEROUS and not cutesy) and I love them. I'll be starting grad class next week, so will have tons of reading to do, so maybe this blog will take a different turn. But for now, my tryst with Twilight is over - I hereby abandon it. I tried, peeps, I really tried. But I just couldn't stick it out.

Awesomeness

My good friend A. stumbled across this video in her web meanderings. I'm linking it to the original site. This little gem, by Rebellious Pixels, pits the Creepster against the Buffster, and we all know how that should end.

Buffy vs. Edward

How I like my vampires

Like this:

Or this:

And lately, this:

NOT looking like they had a run-in with a bottle of glitter and a rogue bedazzler. This is a vampire story, not a high school production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Or my 6th grade trapper keeper.

Twilight Review:He's a super-creep! Super-creep! He's super-creepy, yeow

Dear Bella,

The Obvious Police would like to present you with the following evidence that one Mr. Edward Cullen is less dreamy than he is a total creepster. Yes, we know that you are 17 years old and that you have both limited exposure to and romantic-comedy and faerie-tale fueled high expectations of males in general, but it is high time that you got a clue. So here are a few.

He makes like he's gonna vomit when he looks at you. And not in a cute, "Awww, he's just nervous around his crush!" kind of way. In a creepy, loathsome, just-walked-off-the-gravitron-and-not-keeping-down-the-zeppolis kind of way.

Kinda like this:

Only more violent and hostile, as you say on page 23.

"He stared at me again, meeting my eyes with the strangest expression on his face - it was hostile, furious."

See, hostile? And before that you note

"Just as I passed, he suddenly went rigid in his seat."

Oh, well, ahem, that's normal for guys his age. You oughta know that, being such a little bio wiz. Disregard that reason.

According to our records, the situation escalated when Edward first began speaking with you. Because he would say crap like this:

Page 44:

"Oh I think everyone knows your name. The whole town's been waiting for you to arrive."

Page 74:

"I'm being very rude, I know. But it's better this way, really."

And the most ominous of all, Page 73.

"The Krebs cycle."

Other actions include the following: his tendency to laugh at you when other boys pursue you, his smug determination to speak for you when you get sick in lab, his serial-killer-like ability to be both charming and terrifying in the same chapter, and the fact that he owns a volvo.

We hope that in spite of all of the ridiculous back and forth over your slides of onion root mitosis and this fabled trip to Seattle, we hope that you heed this letter, because in no way will this Cullen character cease and desist. Yes, he can crush cars with his bare hands, and who doesn't admire that quality? But we hope you will look for red flags in this young man's behavior, and take proper actions. We hope, rather than believe you will.

Respectfully yours,

Captain Obvious of the Obvious Police, 49th Precinct

Twilight Review: Toothiness

I wonder if the frequent mentioning of Edward's teeth and/or smile is a subtle bit of foreshadowing or character nuance on Meyers' part. (Yeah, right, says the adult audience) Then again, maybe it's just the lovestruck pining of a narcissistic twit like Bella. In either case, it's inconsistent, and not helping me to mentally sketch a visual of Edward. Well, a visual that isn't this guy:

So let's look at some of Bella's conflicting descriptions of the aforementioned broody vamp (look, even though we don't know he's a vampire at this point in the book, I'm not going to pretend I haven't existed in the world for the past couple of years).



Page 44: "I looked up to see him smiling a crooked smile so beautiful that I could only stare at him like an idiot."


Ok, so he's got crooked teeth? A crooked mouth? Not without its charm, we all knew that guy. Let's move forward. To when Edward is starting to display some more signs of either manic depression or extreme jerk-itude (next posting) and is all like "Oh, I can read everyone, but I CAN'T READ YOU!"(page 50)


" "You must be a good reader then," I replied.

"Usually." He smiled widely, flashing a set of perfect, ultrawhite teeth."


So which is it, Bella? He went from believably flawed to creepy colgate-boy in 6 pages. You are not helping me. And his creepy morphing vamp-eyes don't help. For crying out loud, if I didn't know better, I'd think she was falling for some long-lost member of the X-men, with super strength, chameleon skin, and excessive smugness. (I've stopped counting how many times Meyers uses a form of the word 'smug.')

I must confess, though, I am finding this experience hilarious and enjoyable, and admit to being sucked in by the story.

Next post, Edward's increasing creepiness, Bio class hilarity, and missed opportunities for Bella to just punch this guy in the face.