Twilight Review:He's a super-creep! Super-creep! He's super-creepy, yeow

Dear Bella,

The Obvious Police would like to present you with the following evidence that one Mr. Edward Cullen is less dreamy than he is a total creepster. Yes, we know that you are 17 years old and that you have both limited exposure to and romantic-comedy and faerie-tale fueled high expectations of males in general, but it is high time that you got a clue. So here are a few.

He makes like he's gonna vomit when he looks at you. And not in a cute, "Awww, he's just nervous around his crush!" kind of way. In a creepy, loathsome, just-walked-off-the-gravitron-and-not-keeping-down-the-zeppolis kind of way.

Kinda like this:

Only more violent and hostile, as you say on page 23.

"He stared at me again, meeting my eyes with the strangest expression on his face - it was hostile, furious."

See, hostile? And before that you note

"Just as I passed, he suddenly went rigid in his seat."

Oh, well, ahem, that's normal for guys his age. You oughta know that, being such a little bio wiz. Disregard that reason.

According to our records, the situation escalated when Edward first began speaking with you. Because he would say crap like this:

Page 44:

"Oh I think everyone knows your name. The whole town's been waiting for you to arrive."

Page 74:

"I'm being very rude, I know. But it's better this way, really."

And the most ominous of all, Page 73.

"The Krebs cycle."

Other actions include the following: his tendency to laugh at you when other boys pursue you, his smug determination to speak for you when you get sick in lab, his serial-killer-like ability to be both charming and terrifying in the same chapter, and the fact that he owns a volvo.

We hope that in spite of all of the ridiculous back and forth over your slides of onion root mitosis and this fabled trip to Seattle, we hope that you heed this letter, because in no way will this Cullen character cease and desist. Yes, he can crush cars with his bare hands, and who doesn't admire that quality? But we hope you will look for red flags in this young man's behavior, and take proper actions. We hope, rather than believe you will.

Respectfully yours,

Captain Obvious of the Obvious Police, 49th Precinct